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before we hate each other

by nathalie

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1.
Met you on the parkway at the edge of town Sat silently beside you while you ran your mouth Through all your regrets and miscommunications Until finally you asked if I wanted to make out I thought I loved you, thought I knew you then Didn't notice how you broke off all my friends Thanks for the trauma, don't ever call me again How hollow I became trying to fit you in Do you think it's a joke that I wanna kill you Do you think it's funny that I hate your guts Who told you to keep showing up uninvited Like a bitter cancer trying to take my life Texting me at 3AM to tell me how you've changed Six paragraphs about what could have been Fell asleep before I got through it all Woke up to three more texts and four missed calls I swear to god I don't still think about you That I'm sincerely happy now we're over But after blocking all your contacts You just keep coming back as a private number Do you think it's a joke that I wanna kill you Do you think it's funny that I hate your guts Who told you to keep showing up uninvited Like a bitter cancer trying to take my life Do you think it's a joke that I wanna kill you Do you think it's funny that I hate your guts Who told you to keep showing up uninvited Like a bitter cancer trying to take my life
2.
plan c 03:16
Waking up in a cold sweat Alone in a queen size bed Already two weeks late In the reddest state Without ten bucks to your name Called out sick from the cafe Couldn't risk trying to relay Why you can't come in Call your oldest friend Your ride or die to the penal end He's only eighteen But they're calling his name Now he's back where it started Wondering how much he's changed It should be easy Should be so fucking easy Hopping states for abortions Rejecting legal misfortune With a better plan c No coat hanger leads Or wild poisonous weeds Got stopped by a bored cop Misgendered at truck stops For wearing pink Scrub it off in the sink Buy a donut and a blue icee He's only eighteen But they're calling his name Now he's back where it started Wondering how much he's changed It should be easy Should be so fucking easy He's only eighteen But they're calling his name Now he's back where it started Wondering how much he's changed It should be easy Should be so fucking easy We don't have time for your fetus flags For your pussy hats For your concern acts For your Facebook rants For your inaction For your voting plees And crisis center schemes We don't have time for your rapist judge For your trigger laws For your loaded guns For your handmade gowns And adoption clowns For your racist town And your TERF pronouns They're only eighteen But they're calling their name Now it's back where it started Wondering how much they've changed It should be easy Should be so fucking easy She's only eighteen But he's calling her name Now she's back where it started Wondering how much she's changed It should be easy Should be so fucking easy He's only eighteen But they're calling his name Now he's back where it started Wondering how much he's changed It should be easy Should be so fucking easy
3.
the baby 02:20
What do you see out of those bright green marbles Is your world upside down or are you just a bit fragile Would you sit on my face if I started to snore Kill me in my sleep just because you're bored I'm just a baby Don't hate me Just because I'm cuter than you I'm a baby Don't tease me Or try to make me move I'm the only creature in the goddamn world For you You must worship yourself to think I'd even to try I'm a busy girl sunbathing 9-5 This apartment's cramped but I learned to make do Until that awful fucking day when you invited somebody new I'm just a baby Don't hate me Just because I'm cuter than you I'm a baby Don't tease me Or try to make me move I'm just a baby Don't hate me Just because I'm cuter than you I'm the only creature in the goddamn world For you
4.
You're piling books up on the floor Say you're gonna read the whole damn world But when your head starts to cloud And you feel you're coming down You pack your things and head to town I'll find you Sippin' on a sour And we'll sit and talk for hours About the world we hope one day we'll get to see And I don't know much about politics But I hope the future that we pick Is one where you're here beside me You've got more hope than I've ever seen They tried to burn it out but you still believe In saving this broken town As it's crumbling down You grab your things and join the crowd I'll find you Sippin' on a sour And we'll sit and talk for hours About the world we hope one day we'll get to see And I don't know much about politics But I hope the future that we pick Is one where you're here beside me I'll find you Sippin' on a sour And we'll sit and talk for hours About the world we hope one day we'll get to see And I don't know much about politics But I hope the future that we pick Is one where you're here beside me I'll find you Sippin' on a sour And we'll sit and talk for hours About the world we hope one day we'll get to see And I don't know much about politics But I hope the future that we pick Is one where you're here beside me I hope it's one where you're here beside me
5.
Waking up gets harder with every passing moment Try to shut out the screams calling for early abridgment To this nightmare we've been left in While the adults are away Gambling on how soon we'll turn And eat our own neighbor's face Sleeping in gets worse with every knock upon the door The end is near they scream as they take a big shit upon your porch All these divine laws And allusions to hide behind Pulling every trigger Praying we're not the ones who die I'm not a nihilist I'm just a bit exhausted by the thought Of how much worse it can get How much worse it's already got I'm not a nihilist I'm just a bit exhausted by the thought Of how much worse it can get (how much worse could it really get) Falling asleep gets harder with every terrifying thought Of racist cops and Nazi fucks and Democrats all out to lunch Choking down the plague And getting clocked in hell Just trying not to die Before the mid terms come around I'm not a nihilist I'm just a bit exhausted by the thought Of how much worse this can get How much worse it's already got I'm not a nihilist I'm just a bit exhausted by the thought Of how much worse this can get (but how much worse could it really get) Wait a year and make a movie Sell our trauma back as ancient history Pretend it's all just allegory Lie and say the world is healing Mythologize our dead and grieving Profit on the grift of always leaving All these problems for our children They'll be dead before they even see 'em Hide inside your little bunker Contracting novel forms of deadly cancer No one to help you as you choke out We're all alone in this together Just a speck screaming for answers As the walls echo back there's no one out here Shrug it off one final time Embrace the sun as the whole world crumbles I'm not a nihilist I'm just a litte exhausted by the thought Of how much worse it's all gonna get Of how much worse it's already got I'm not a nihilist I'm just a little exhausted by the thought Of how much worse it's all gonna get Of how much worse it's already got I'm not a nihilist I'm just a litte exhausted by the thought Of all these terrifying thoughts Oh god won't someone shut them up
6.
disappear 04:31
I'm 9 years old in the back of a church Learning how the cermony will work Trying to shrink into this metal folding chair Praying to a god I'm pretty sure doesn't care Cause I'm young and scared and never learned how to talk So they don't hear me when I say I'm not, not ready to walk Their hands on my sholders as we practice the steps Watching my body move while I'm somewhere else, praying If there's a god up there Can he make me, can he make me disappear If there's a god up there Can he make me, can he make me disappear But the big day comes and I'm all dressed up Sitting in a pew waiting to be called Mom's wearing a dress I've never seen before I don't notice when they start pushing me to go As I step out and I take my place I feel the blood drain from my face Panic setting in, dark as sin I turn and run, I turn and run and pray If there's a god up there Can he make me, can he make me disappear If there's a god up there Can he make me, can he make me disappear Half asleep on the floor my mom leans in close Tells me every night she prays, prays to save my soul Who knew there were children in hell Who knew it was so easy to tell Who knew how fast they fell (Oh god...) If there's a god up there Can he make me, can he make me disappear If there's a god up there Can he make me, can he make me disappear Disappear, disappear, disappear, disappear Disappear, disappear, disappear, disappear Disappear
7.
jessamine 03:23
The fall air smells like gasoline Cheap beer and cheaper grease I don't know half the people next to me Bite my tongue until it bleeds Salt the earth for looking green It's cold in your mother's house Like she's still here turning it down Wish I'd been nicer to her now Or mean enough to feel ashamed As I watch you pack her things The first time I saw you cry She was staring at us both still half alive You forced a smile and a shaky lie Told her it was fine Told her it was fine When she forgot you a second time Someday when you pass Hope I'll have the strength to let you rest In the backyard under the jessamine Next to the barn Where you showed me Where you showed me
8.
I think I'm ready for a change It's been eating at my body and fogging up my brain If I could press a button and watch it fall away In an instant In a day Can you see me The girl in front of you I've died here once before Now just a ghost that you once knew Can you see me Say my name and make it true There's so much I want to do So much I want for you Carve out my voice and break my back Slim me down, wrap me in plastic, label the things that I still lack Teach me the spell, make it pass In an instant Can you see me The girl in front of you I've died here once before Now just a ghost that you once knew Can you see me Say my name and make it true There's so much I want to do So much I want for you For you For you For you
9.
Pack the cats into your soul Hit the road we're heading for the coast It's the end of the world But we're making the most of it Drive past the looters The Best Buy on fire Places we'd get coffee before the disaster I already miss it Slam your foot on the gas As we're passing through Georgia Wish I'd made time to know her Wish I'd made time for a lotta things But it's too late now It's the end of the world I love you It's the end of the world I love you As we cross state borders and run out of road I grab your hand and hope that you know We're glimpsing the ocean The waves are burning There's something huge moving under the sea And I know it's too for late you and me Yeah we've made some mistakes But if this is the last time I get to kiss your face Forget about before and forget what comes next Live in this moment cause it's probably our last It's the end of the world I love you It's the end of the world I love you As the earth cracks open and swallows us whole I grab hold of you and pray that you know It's the end of the world I love you It's the end of the world I love you I'll see you in hell with all of our friends Don't think for a second that this is the end

about

These songs were with me throughout 2022, shifting and solidifying as my life inverted and I felt something like hope again. A lot of tension broke that year, things falling apart in ways too mundane to romanticize but too large to shove back in the closet with a text message apology. Finishing this album is a way to say goodbye to who I was, embracing the messy, embarrassing, and earnest process of self-discovery and perseverance in this nightmare we've been left in.

I hope you find something to hold onto in these fuzzy folk melodies. They've come to mean a lot to me, and I am excited and terrified to finally share them with you. Thanks for listening. -nathalie

credits

released March 3, 2023

all songs written and performed by me

mixing and mastering by Yaffle

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nathalie Knoxville, Tennessee

your new cringecore crush, working through her trauma one song at a time.

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